If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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