I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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