My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
