Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
