Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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