I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
