Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
