All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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