You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I will pee on everything he values.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
