you didnt know i had herpes?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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