I wish I only lived at night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
