Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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