Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dicks are not precious.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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