he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
