i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
