she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
