i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
