He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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