I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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