Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
