Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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