singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
smell my finger.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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