I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
