Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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