just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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