He uses pillows to masturbate.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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