my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
