Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
