just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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