I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
