you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my being single is dangerous.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
