Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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