It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
