just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
