I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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