I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
