I CAN MOONWALK!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Randomize
