Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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