Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
