Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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