It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
