Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
