Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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