Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
