Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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