so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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