was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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