help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
