My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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