this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
