I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
