hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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