I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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