I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
