My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
