It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
